Hello everyone :) I'm 22 red haired girl and this blog helps me to recover from my eating disorder. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa with bulimic tendencies when I was 14. I would never ever expected that I'll be a girl with an eating disorder. My childhood was the best time in my life. I felt lucky and carefree. I always was slim, even thin kid, although I used to eat sweets all the time! I had no problems, I only was a little bit shy... :')
But one day something happened and changed my life forever. I went to a new school and I wasn't accepted by other children. I was the "different one", I felt like a black sheep. I was only 14.
Those kids bullied me and I was too shy to stand up to them. It was too much for me. I just started to eat my fears, do you know what I mean? At the same time
I started to have problems with hormones. My period wasn't regular and those two things caused gaining weight because I had to take progesterone. I started to feel bad and disgusted with my body, so I was dieting like crazy...
I felt I was not myself anymore
. I ended up in hospital and stayed there for a month. During the recovery I ate very emotional, either I ate a lot or I didn't eat anything. Sometimes I've lost control and overate. Anyway, I gained weight again and was weight restored. I tried to accept it (over the years!) but I couldn't. Or, to be honest - I didn't want to accept it, at all.
My three best years in life were the time of my high school; that period helped me to "forget" a little bit about the disorder and anxiety. I had very nice people in class and I also had the opportunity to distract myself.
I was 19 or 20 when I started losing weight again. I started my education on the university. I tried a lot of diets, I just had no life
. Everything was about weight and looking slim, better. I became offensive, anxious, even more reserved... I've never had a lot of friends, but now I have no one.
I only missed my anorectic body so bad
. I became egoistic as hell.
My ups and downs got me to have social anxiety and constantly fear of other people. I always feel judged. I always compare myself to others. Also my physical health leaves a lot to be desired; I have ill pancreas (autoimmune pancreatitis)
so I can't have raw or fried food. It doesn't make things easier by far.
I relapsed with anorexic thoughs and eternal anxiety because I can't comprehend the fact that the food has nothing
to do with my emotional state. I can't help feeling guilty. In 2011 I lost about 5kg and damaged my health even more.
Subconsciously I strive to lose even more weight because for some reason I believe being skinny will solve all my problems and my life will be "perfect
". I know, it's stupid. I can't believe I have ED, you know? I WANT to recover completely.
I have a lot of interests, passions...! I would love to have some friends! BUT I don't feel good in my own body. It's pathetic. Every day I fight to eat normal and I learn to accept myself again… to love myself.
(Re)Birth: 24th april 2013.